13 hours of labor!!!!

Wow! 13 hours! But only if you add all my labors together. The first was just about 2 hours, the second was about 6 and this last one (just 6 weeks ago) was about 5. I don't labor like a normal woman apparently. Not the only odd thing about me, but one of them.

This last labor was a doosie. I don't know if it really was my hardest labor or not, or if I just haven't had the opportunity for time to erase the memories sufficiently enough for me to look back and remember just the good parts. It was a very intense 5 or so hours and well worth every minute, but I am still in a bit of shock after it.

God is so amazing in the way He brings forth new life...I am still fascinated when I see seeds germinating and sprouting their first leaves. I can't even keep my one houseplant alive...and God made everything! His great power and love is a part of every new life and I am so unable to grasp the full wonder of what my body has done three times in bringing forth these wonderful babies. With each child there is a joy that grows within my heart...but also a fear and deep sense of responsibility that I am not so sure I am fully ready to take on...too late now huh?

Of course there is joy when the baby is born. With this last one I was just so glad for the labor to be over and the pain to be lessened that joy was there just for that. Also, to look into the face of another blessing from God, that is so innocent and full of promise is just awe inspiring. I love seeing my children look at their new baby sister and just can't wait to see how they will interact as they grow. I also love to see my husband with another little baby on his chest, to see him become this happy, sentimental person as a new life enters our family and observe as she dances her way into his heart and find her place there, as she does in mine.

But the fear...it grows with each child. Not so much the fear of dropping this tiny child, or cutting her little fingers when I cut her nails, or the other kids accidentally hurting her as the fight to be the one that gets to sing a song to her or read her a book. All of these are fears that I have...I actually cried myself to sleep recently when, while we were getting ready for bed, Alora hurt herself. It turned out to not be nearly as bad as I was thinking at first, but I saw the blood and panicked. I just couldn't imagine what I would have done had it been worse. How any mother and father can carry on in a normal way after a tragedy is beyond me, I don't want to find out from personal experience, although I am sure that God will give me the courage and the strength to make it through no matter what happens.

The fear I have is much bigger and has bigger consequences than all that. How can I, who have made so many mistakes and blunders and keep making them, be handed such a sweet, innocent thing and be expected to help lead it into a God-fearing, God-loving, compassionate life. It's like I am covered in mud and someone hands me a child that I am supposed to keep clean. How can I? I am filthy, unworthy to even look on such an innocent thing much less touch it and hold it and teach it.

I have this great responsibility to love my husband and interact with him in a way that will inspire my children, even when I have to pick up his dirty clothes from beside the hamper and place them inside...again. I have to discipline my children in a way that they will learn and grow from and become self-disciplined, help them to learn to love God and speak His love to others through their lives...and I don't know that I can do these things. Talk about the blind leading the blind! It is just scary around here.

Right now our concerns are getting Alora to sit still and quiet while we worship with the church family. To keep Aidan from commenting so loudly on things (like not saying "keep the change" when he places his nickels and dimes into the collection plate...yes, it happened) and trying to answer his questions about heaven and God and Jesus. I know it will get more and more complicated and I dread it!

I sometimes think that they should be teaching us. Just this week we found a stray puppy in our yard. We told Aidan that it was sick and hungry, as we could see all of her ribs and she was very weak. We were getting her something to eat from the kitchen (cream of chicken soup and Vienna sausages work well when you don't have any dog food) and Aidan comes to us to tell us that God is going to make the puppy better cause he prayed and told God too. What faith! He fully believed that God was going to heal this puppy all because he prayed about it. It is times like that that I am completely humbled and ashamed to call myself a believer. I sometimes wonder how much smaller than a mustard seed my faith might be. It is so small sometimes and then times like that when my not even 5 year old son surpasses me in his faith.

Those 13 hours of labor were only the beginning. Now the hard part starts, where, as I continue to grow and walk in the path of light, I am to lead these 3 children who depend on me to give them a firm foundation. It is comforting to know that God trusts me with His children and lets me call them my own for a few short years. It is also comforting to know that I have a wonderful man that will help me lead them and hold my hand all the way. I know that the years to come will be full of more joy and more fear, but that with God and Adam on my side that we will get there. I may fall some n the way...and Lord knows that I will make mistakes, but He will be there to lift me from the mud clean me off and hold me in His hand when I can't walk on my own. All the love that I have for my children is so inferior to the love that God has for them, so He will guide us on our way and with Him the joy can be so much greater than I ever thought possible and the fear can be so much less.