Emotions are a funny thing. Sometimes you think you have them all under control and then out of the blue, just some vague thing, pulls them all to the surface and you can't keep them under. It is like trying to make a beach ball stay under the water...you have it under and think it is going to stay and one slip of your hand....it doesn't just float slowly to the surface of the pool, but bursts free from the water and shoots up, splashing everyone within sight. Emotions are like that sometimes.
My emotions lately have been bursting to the surface...emotions that I thought were safely under, calm and controlled.
We have been going through lots of changes with the boys in our house lately. We lost two boys last week and will loose one that we are very close to, tomorrow. I am not sure yet, how I will be with that. I know that everyone here, all the boys and my children will react in their own ways and some of that will be splashing onto the rest of us. One of our boys especially is taking it hard, but he isn't one to discuss it, so much as let it hurt on the inside and express it with anger.
One of our other boys had me heartbroken the other day. We knew that he had done something he shouldn't have...we knew, and he knew that we knew and we knew that he knew that we knew. He lied. And then later when he told the truth...it hurt him so badly. It brought tears and pain and hurt to tell us the truth. What kind of pain and brokenness must there be for the truth to hurt you so bad when you speak it? God is truth...and it HURT him to speak truth. Knowing that we knew the truth, he still couldn't bring himself to tell us. And it wasn't even remotely about consequences for the action he had taken. It was having to tell something other than a lie. He has gotten so good at lies that that he doesn't know the truth and how to tell it without it hurting him.
And that to me is heartbreaking.
There are lots of deep issues that the boys have at this time of year. They aren't home. They know that this is a time of year when home is focused on. Just watch any commercial....home for the holidays, Thanksgiving dinners with family and friends: and these boys are here. They aren't at home, and some of them never will be. Some of them will, and yet, it isn't a home. So, of course there are issues. And the feelings and emotions are running high. The boys are angry and express that anger in unhealthy ways, usually with their fists and with their words, punching out at the pain and frustration they are feeling. Some of the girls are running away and doing crazy, stupid, harmful things, harmful mostly to them selves, and causing more pain to a pain filled life. No one can tell them not to or warn them of the pain and suffering that it will cause. You can tell them, but they can't hear it. So their emotions are splashing us...we are getting soaked.
And then, there are my sweet children. They are doing so well, and that just helps me along the way and strengthens me even more. Seeing the love they have for these hurting children, makes me know that all the pain and frustration that we have, and that we are witness to, is worth it...these are the "least of these" and this is done for Him.
Dear Lord,
Thank you so much for this opportunity to be a home for these children. Help them to see, now or later when they look back on these times, that we were a family, however strange and unconventional. Help them to partake of the love and family that this home has to offer.
Thank you for my loving children who open their hearts freely to the boys in this house. They love them and care for them and I know that they are good for each other. Help Adam and me to have the strength and wisdom that is takes to raise our children in the way you would have us to, help us to see what would be best and to make sure they have wonderful memories of this time in our lives. Help them to become what you have blessed them with the potential to be. Help this time in our lives to make them better, stronger people, willing to love like you love, give as you give, let them learn to be your hands and feet and eyes as I pray you are making Adam and me.
Dear father, tell my sweet Anakin how much I miss him, and love him. He remains in our hearts and thoughts, as you know, and we will be with him again when we are with you.
I ask that you comfort us in this house. Let us comfort one another and love one another through the hard times. Help us to give you our thoughts and emotions as we are so incapable and in able to control them. You are the one that has that power, so help us to realize it. Keep us from soaking each other with pent up and held down and out of control emotions. Calm us, comfort us, hold us in your loving arms, wrap us in your warm embrace, draw us to your bosom, show us your love, and mercy and grace, and power....be all the things you are, in ways that we can see and hear and feel and know...for we love you and need you....every hour...every day
My emotions lately have been bursting to the surface...emotions that I thought were safely under, calm and controlled.
We have been going through lots of changes with the boys in our house lately. We lost two boys last week and will loose one that we are very close to, tomorrow. I am not sure yet, how I will be with that. I know that everyone here, all the boys and my children will react in their own ways and some of that will be splashing onto the rest of us. One of our boys especially is taking it hard, but he isn't one to discuss it, so much as let it hurt on the inside and express it with anger.
One of our other boys had me heartbroken the other day. We knew that he had done something he shouldn't have...we knew, and he knew that we knew and we knew that he knew that we knew. He lied. And then later when he told the truth...it hurt him so badly. It brought tears and pain and hurt to tell us the truth. What kind of pain and brokenness must there be for the truth to hurt you so bad when you speak it? God is truth...and it HURT him to speak truth. Knowing that we knew the truth, he still couldn't bring himself to tell us. And it wasn't even remotely about consequences for the action he had taken. It was having to tell something other than a lie. He has gotten so good at lies that that he doesn't know the truth and how to tell it without it hurting him.
And that to me is heartbreaking.
There are lots of deep issues that the boys have at this time of year. They aren't home. They know that this is a time of year when home is focused on. Just watch any commercial....home for the holidays, Thanksgiving dinners with family and friends: and these boys are here. They aren't at home, and some of them never will be. Some of them will, and yet, it isn't a home. So, of course there are issues. And the feelings and emotions are running high. The boys are angry and express that anger in unhealthy ways, usually with their fists and with their words, punching out at the pain and frustration they are feeling. Some of the girls are running away and doing crazy, stupid, harmful things, harmful mostly to them selves, and causing more pain to a pain filled life. No one can tell them not to or warn them of the pain and suffering that it will cause. You can tell them, but they can't hear it. So their emotions are splashing us...we are getting soaked.
And then, there are my sweet children. They are doing so well, and that just helps me along the way and strengthens me even more. Seeing the love they have for these hurting children, makes me know that all the pain and frustration that we have, and that we are witness to, is worth it...these are the "least of these" and this is done for Him.
Dear Lord,
Thank you so much for this opportunity to be a home for these children. Help them to see, now or later when they look back on these times, that we were a family, however strange and unconventional. Help them to partake of the love and family that this home has to offer.
Thank you for my loving children who open their hearts freely to the boys in this house. They love them and care for them and I know that they are good for each other. Help Adam and me to have the strength and wisdom that is takes to raise our children in the way you would have us to, help us to see what would be best and to make sure they have wonderful memories of this time in our lives. Help them to become what you have blessed them with the potential to be. Help this time in our lives to make them better, stronger people, willing to love like you love, give as you give, let them learn to be your hands and feet and eyes as I pray you are making Adam and me.
Dear father, tell my sweet Anakin how much I miss him, and love him. He remains in our hearts and thoughts, as you know, and we will be with him again when we are with you.
I ask that you comfort us in this house. Let us comfort one another and love one another through the hard times. Help us to give you our thoughts and emotions as we are so incapable and in able to control them. You are the one that has that power, so help us to realize it. Keep us from soaking each other with pent up and held down and out of control emotions. Calm us, comfort us, hold us in your loving arms, wrap us in your warm embrace, draw us to your bosom, show us your love, and mercy and grace, and power....be all the things you are, in ways that we can see and hear and feel and know...for we love you and need you....every hour...every day
1 Comments:
I'm sorry for all the hard emotions. You will be in my prayers.
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