You ever have one of those times when you are just going about your daily life, and then something hits you. And it hits you so hard, that you feel like your breath was knocked out and you just don’t know how you are going to get back up and walk again.
This weekend brought one of those moments. When just checking email became a time when all my feelings and emotions just flew up into the air and don’t even have a place to land.
I have been wondering a while how to put myself in others shoes. It is a difficult thing to do. You would like to think that you know what you would do, even though you have never been given the opportunity to make such a choice. I always know what I would like to think that I would do. I would do what it is that I would like done to me. I would be the kind of support and friend and family that someone needs. I would like to think that I would be there and know that even if I didn’t have the right words, that the thought would be there and that would be helpful in some way.
Being angry about some words seems like a very immature thing. In most cases, you would just go to the person and tell them that you are disappointed, sad, upset, hurting and confused and totally spent. But in this case, the words were not callus or mean or hateful. The words were really good…full of support for someone else, full of good that God is doing. Full of love and caring.
The problem lies in that some of that would be nice to feel. Nice for me to feel. Nice for my family to partake in. Sometimes I guess you just have to be willing to ask for what you need, what you want, what you would love to have. And sometimes that can be the hardest thing. It is difficult to let people know you need something from them, that they have let you down. It’s like having a talk with your parents about things that happened so many years ago, that you aren’t blaming anyone for, but just need closure for. It can be hard to let people know you are hurting and scared and confused. You worry that in doing so that the hurt you feel will manifest itself in a hurtful way, that you won’t be able to share the pain and the fears without tearing someone else down, when that is not your intention.
And now, the ball is in my court, and I don’t even know the rules of the game. I don’t have the equipment to play, I don’t even know where the goal is.
So, now…I just ask God for the courage, the courage that so far I haven’t had. For the wisdom and the words and the way to do what needs to be done, and the strength to stand through it. For all the skills that will be needed to make some hard choices and ultimately not care about what others think of the decision…just make the decision that is best and try to live with it for a while at least. Help me God to purge the anger and hostility and pain and weakness and bewilderment from my heart. May all things good come to fill that space. Help me to look at things with clear eyes and know that for the pain and sorrow were not placed upon us with any intention to do so, it is just the result.
This weekend brought one of those moments. When just checking email became a time when all my feelings and emotions just flew up into the air and don’t even have a place to land.
I have been wondering a while how to put myself in others shoes. It is a difficult thing to do. You would like to think that you know what you would do, even though you have never been given the opportunity to make such a choice. I always know what I would like to think that I would do. I would do what it is that I would like done to me. I would be the kind of support and friend and family that someone needs. I would like to think that I would be there and know that even if I didn’t have the right words, that the thought would be there and that would be helpful in some way.
Being angry about some words seems like a very immature thing. In most cases, you would just go to the person and tell them that you are disappointed, sad, upset, hurting and confused and totally spent. But in this case, the words were not callus or mean or hateful. The words were really good…full of support for someone else, full of good that God is doing. Full of love and caring.
The problem lies in that some of that would be nice to feel. Nice for me to feel. Nice for my family to partake in. Sometimes I guess you just have to be willing to ask for what you need, what you want, what you would love to have. And sometimes that can be the hardest thing. It is difficult to let people know you need something from them, that they have let you down. It’s like having a talk with your parents about things that happened so many years ago, that you aren’t blaming anyone for, but just need closure for. It can be hard to let people know you are hurting and scared and confused. You worry that in doing so that the hurt you feel will manifest itself in a hurtful way, that you won’t be able to share the pain and the fears without tearing someone else down, when that is not your intention.
And now, the ball is in my court, and I don’t even know the rules of the game. I don’t have the equipment to play, I don’t even know where the goal is.
So, now…I just ask God for the courage, the courage that so far I haven’t had. For the wisdom and the words and the way to do what needs to be done, and the strength to stand through it. For all the skills that will be needed to make some hard choices and ultimately not care about what others think of the decision…just make the decision that is best and try to live with it for a while at least. Help me God to purge the anger and hostility and pain and weakness and bewilderment from my heart. May all things good come to fill that space. Help me to look at things with clear eyes and know that for the pain and sorrow were not placed upon us with any intention to do so, it is just the result.
2 Comments:
Gosh! Both of y'all are upset today. Will pray that God leads you to do the right thing.
Sorry you're going through this, whatever it is. If there's anyway that we can help you, let us know.
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