Anakin Timothy Cooper

Tuesday, May 1st, didn't go at all as we had thought it would. We had a midwife appointment early that morning, and on the way, the girls fell asleep. Adam decided to stay out in the van with them, so that they could sleep, since we were thinking of heading up to Columbia to go to EdVenture, the children's museum. All went well with the appointment until she went to find the heartbeat. The last two times, the heartbeat was good and strong and pretty easy to find. She looked all over my belly and after having no luck finding it, she had me to lay on my side for a bit and she went out to get Adam.

Up until this point in the pregnancy...about 19 weeks, I had felt fine and all. I still hadn't felt movement, and my measurements were a bit off. When Adam got in and my midwife was back, she tried again to find a heartbeat. I think that I was really in utter shock. I didn't know what to think. I wanted to have faith and hope that all was okay with the baby, but really didn't know how all the small things like the measurements being off and not feeling movement yet, could mean much but a loss.

She gave us some information and told us to pray and that she would be praying for us and thinking about us. She gave us several options and we decided together to go about our day as planned. I think it helped to have something else to think about, especially since we couldn't really know anything for sure, yet.

The next day we decided that we would go ahead and see about getting an ultrasound. We called my midwife and she called the office to set that up for us. It was nice to not have to explain anything when we got there.

What a hard day that was. The midwife there asked us a few questions, but mostly knew why we were there and had all the information she needed. She was very kind and sweet, even giving us the sad news that our baby had died. The baby was about 17 weeks. We were both very upset and just reeling from the news. The doctor came to confirm and he and the midwife talked to us about our options and told us to go home and talk about it and prepare for making a decision.

We waited until Monday and called the office to schedule to go to the hospital to have them help with a spontaneous delivery. We went in early Tuesday morning. My mom was able to come with Adam and me. Every thing went as well as can be expected. One of the hardest things was willing myself to look at the baby. He was the little boy that we all wanted so badly. So small...so perfect...

He was about 2.3 oz. He was small enough to fit on my hand from fingers to wrist. 10 fingers, 10 toes. Tiny little ears and nose. It is so hard to hold a baby so tiny and think of the joy that would have come in less than 5 months if things had been different.

Adam and I both got to hold him and we named him Anakin Timothy...Aidan wanted to name a little brother Anakin. I had told him that I really didn't like that (Star Wars isn't my favorite movie like it is his) and he hated the name that I had picked out for a boy. When we found out that Anakin was a boy, I just didn't have the heart to tell Aidan that it was the little brother he has been wanting since he was 3, and that we had named him a name that he abhorred. Adam mentioned naming him Anakin and I chose Timothy.

We wrapped him in a small fleece blanket and placed him in a basket to bring him home and bury him. We all placed a special thing by his grave marker.

He will be missed so very much. All the hopes and dreams we had for him will be mourned. He will be with God until we can join them.